(as far as I remember) every movie I watched this year

I watched a lot of movies this year. I can't recommend watching this many movies, but I am a monster. 

These are listened within the order I watched them this year.

Out of all the movies I watched, I watched the most from director Mira Nair (3 movies)

American films: 79

French films: 10

Russian films: 1 

Danish films:3

Italian films: 2

Japanese films: 3

Chinese movies: 2

Korean films: 1

Tibetan movies: 1

Polish films: 1

My favorite movie I watched: Troll 2 (1990)

(1/3/18) Kung Fu Hustle (2004), Stephen Chow

(1/4/18) Tharlo (2016), Pema Tseden

(1/4/18) Conan the Barbarian (1982), John Milius

(1/11/18) They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? (1969), Sydney Pollack

(1/11/18) The Duellists (1977), Ridley Scott

(1/16/18) The Honeymoon Killers (1970), Leonard Kastle

(1/23/18) Paterson (2017), Jim Jarmusch

(1/25/18) Mon Oncle (1958), Jacques Tati

(1/30/18) OSS 117 : Le Caire, nid d'espions (OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies (2006), Michael Hazanavicius

(1/31/18) The Swimmer (1968), Frank Perry

(1/31/18) Princess Bride (!987), Rob Reiner

(2/1/18) Enthusiasm: The Symphony of Donbass (1930), Dziga Vertov

(2/5/18) Nanook of the North (1922), Robert J. Flaherty

(2/5/18) Emma (1996), Douglas McGrath

(2/8/18) Danton (1983), Andrzej Wajda

(2/20/18) Les Parapluies de Cherbourg (1964), Jacques Demy

(2/27/18) Dancer in the Dark (2000), Lars von Trier

(3/1/18) Jules et Jim (1962), Francois Truffaut

(3/6/18) Ordinary People (1980), Robert Redford

(3/20/18) La Jetée (1962), Chris Marker

(3/25/18) Donnie Darko (2001), Richard Kelly

(3/29/18) Scarface (1932), Howard Hawks

(4/2/18) Elephant (2003), Gus Van Sant

(4/3/18) Donnie Darko Director’s Cut, (2004), Richard Kelly

(4/4/18) The Maltese Falcon (1941), John Huston

(4/7/18) Half Baked (1998), Tamra Davis

(4/10/18) The Namesake (2006), Mira Nair

(4/13/18) Isle of Dogs (2018), Wes Anderson

(4/14/18) Queen of Katwe (2016), Mira Nair

(4/16/18) La Haine [The Hate] (1995), Mathieu Kassovitz

(4/17/18) The Perez Family (1995), Mira Nair

this following movies i'm not quite sure when i watched

Maltese Falcon (1941), John Huston 

The Running Man (1987), Paul Michael Glaser

Shape of Water (2017), Guillermo del Toro

Heat (1995), Michael Mann

Zhou Yu’s Train (2002), Zhou Sun

Judex (1963), Georges Franju

Anytown, USA (2005), Kristian Fraga

I, Tonya (2017), Craig Gillespie

sometime between (11/17-4/18) Cool Runnings (1993), Jon Turteltaub

(5/13/18) Guardians of the Galaxy 2 (2017), James Gunn

(5/15/18) Jagten [The Hunt] (2013), Thomas Vinterberg

(8/14/18) The Rider (2017), Chloé Zhao

(8/17/18) My Neighbor Totoro (1988), Hayao Miyazaki

(8/18/18) Porco Rosso (1992), Hayao Miyazaki

(8/18/18) Die Hard (1988), John McTiernan

(8/21/18) Crazy, Rich Asians (2018), Jon M. Chu

(9/2/18) Thoroughbreds (2017), Cory Finley

(9/2/18) The Pass (2016), Ben A. Williams

(9/10/18) The Package (2018), Jake Szymanski

(9/17/18) Hereditary (2018), Ari Aster

(9/19/18) Private Parts (1997), Betty Thomas

(9/19/18) Kingpin (1996), Bobby Farrelly, Peter Farrelly

(9/22/18) The Addiction (1995), Abel Ferrara

(9/23/18) The Cemetery Man (1994), Michele Soavi

(9/25/18) Sling Blade (1996), Billy Bob Thorton

(9/29/18) The Endless (2017), Justin Benson, Aaron Moorhead

(9/30/18) Brick (2005), Rian Johnson

(10/3/18) Monkey Shines (1988), Michael Stuart

(10/7/18) Diabel [The Devil] (1972), Andrzej Żuławski

(10/9/18) It Comes at Night (2017), Trey Edward Shults

(10/10/18) A Quiet Place (2018), John Krasinski

(10/11/18) Adaptation. (2002), Spike Jonze

(10/12/18) Lake Mungo (2008), Joel Anderson

(10/12/18) Pet Semetary (1989), Mary Lambert

(10/13/18)Le ravissement de Frank N. Stein (1982), Georges Schwizgebel

(10/13/18) The Wailing (2016), Na Hong-jin

(10/13/18) mother ! (2018), Darren Aronofsky

(10/14/18) Office Space (1999), Mike Judge

(10/20/18) Blade (1998), Stephen Norrington

(10/23/18) Hallloween (2018), David Gordon Green

(10/24/18) Blade II (2002), Guillermo del Toro

(10/25/18) Rat Pfink a Go Go (1966), Ray Dennis Steckler

Troll 2 (1990), Claudio Fragasso

(10/26/18) Troll (1986), John Carl Buechler

(10/27/18) All That Heaven Allows (1955), Douglas Sirk

(10/31/18) Moonstruck (1987), Norman Jewison

(11/1/18) Blood Feast (1963), Herschell Gordon Lewis

(11/1/18) Equinox (1970), Dennis Muren, Jack Woods

(11/4/18) Mamma Mia 2! Here We Go Again (2018), Ol Parker

(11/6/18) Bohemian Rhapsody (2018), Bryan Singer

(11/8/18) The Final Member, (2012) Zach Math, Jonah Bekhor

(11/10/18) Goldeneye (1995), Martin Campbell

(11/12/18) The Outlaw King, (2018), David Mackenzie

(11/22/18) Funny People (2009), Judd Apatow

(11/24/18) Onibaba (1964), Kaneto Shindo

(11/26/18) Babette’s Feast (1987), Gabriel Axel

(11/28/18) The Holiday Calendar (2018), Bradley Walsh

(11/29/18) Mr. Mom (1983), Stan Dragoti

(11/30/18) Seven (1995), David Fincher

(11/30/18) Undercover Brother (2002), Malcolm D. Lee

(12/1/18) Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald (2018), David Yates

(12/2/18) The Rooftop Christmas Tree (2016), David Winning 

(12/3/18) Jeux interdits [Forbidden Games] (1952), René Clément

(12/5/18) A Christmas Prince (2017), Alex Zamm

                It Happened One Night (1934), Frank Capra

(12/7/18) Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas (1977), Jim Henson

(12/15/18) Beaches (1988), Garry Marshall

(12/21/18) Cobra (1986), George P. Cosmatos

(12/23/18) Jingle All the Way (1996), Brian Levant

(12/25/18) How The Grinch Stole Christmas (2000), Ron Howard

(12/25/18) Christmas with the Kranks (2004), Joe Roth

(12/26/18) Bumblebee (2018), Travis Knight 

(12/30/18) Cliffhanger (1993), Renny Harlin 

12/30/18 - new year's eve eve

i like the smell of my own stank

i like to pick my belly button and smell it

do you?

lately i've been so bad at completing things i can't even finish a thought

i'm living in the city now

people are awake all times of day and night

with all the movement, it's hard to stay still

i'm trying to write more but my head is filled with images

maybe i can write a story like a photo album

i'm reading Ethan Frome for the fifth-ish time in the life

there's no snow in Phoenix

maybe i can write a story like Ethan Frome but during the Phoenician summer

that'd be annoying lol


we established wifi a couple days ago

i can't say i've missed it but it makes the time go by quicker

i hate Youtube

i've disabled it from my phone for the fifth time in my life

i hope this will be a permanent change
 what have you been listening to?

i love this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Edthfw5Pbxk
 " 911/911/911/can't trust them"


as of today, i've mostly looked at my phone

WOWOWOWOWOW

i also finished the movie Cliffhanger (1993)
  pretty mediocre inna inoffensive way ifyaknowwhatimean

other than that i've been laying on the floor

because i like to

i recommend sleeping on a hardwood floor

it's really good for your back

i'm disturbed



i emailed my friend

i wished him well online






i'll be surviving on holiday ham for a while

how are you doing?




Here's an excerpt from a poem i wrote last week:

I spend too much time wondering my apartment

returning from my bed to the mirror and back to bed

I know if I go outside, I’ll get nothing done

I’m trying to stay down

My walls are white and sheets are red

Fresh air is a must

Peace and quiet is a must

The ever-acceralterating commotion of humans is a must

Lunch time means it’s quiet time

the apartments are still and nothing is happening

this is weird and interesting, but only to me

As far as I know, I’m the only person left in the world

11/24/18

it's been a week since my last post.
it's not like anything has been worth saying.
thanksgiving was thursday.
i made brussells sprouts.
who is this brussell and why does he have all these sprouts?
i have fallen in love with roasted brussells sprouts.

that's not worth noting.
unfortunately i have consumed copious amounts of beers.
too copious.
beer baby.
i'm hungry and want fast food.
beer makes you really hate yourself before, during, and after.

i'm drinking a Crème brûlée coffee.
it's not that good.
we are watching 'to catch a predator' in the living room.
i feel like a horrible person while watching it but i guess
i'm not as horrible as the pieces of shit on the show.
one guys username was meatrocket8

i woke up with a beer in hand.
slowly, i'm feeling better as the day goes on.
i want to write a book about a helicopter.
the helicopter would fly over the desert
doing what he loves
flying

i'm writing in the company of other people.
this is not something that i do normally but i think
as a person who spends more time with people
than by myself, that i need to learn to be more comfortable
writing in this mode. i hate that i'm around people always.
it's exhausting and i still feel alone.

i'm mostly being dramatic, but i do feel these ways sometimes.
i'm sure we all do.
if you don't, i wish you nothing but happiness.
i just ate a tomato we bought from the farmer's market.
all i think about is food and writing.
that's fucked up.

we've been watching 'to catch a predator' for an hour and a half.
we're watching bollywood versions of pop songs.
i feel like a better person.
pain is beauty.
ariana grande knows.
i haven't stepped outside today and i odn't know if i plan to.

i'm grossly aware of word count.
it's morose.
probably has something to do with my penis.
fucking dick.
i'm doing nothing today.
fuck it.

noise noise noise noise noise noise noise
this alan clarke movie
goddamn they're just slaughtering people
*wink*
ABCD this is what i'm reducing myself to
i'm distracted by everything.
people distract me and honestly i really love people

i have consistency in my periods
period.
DYLAN GRAY is an anagram for DARYL YANG,
among others, but i can't give away all my secrets.
yes i can, but i just feel like moving on.
i love you, please believe me i love you.

i wish i knew better ways to show people
the best i can imagine is to listen better
and do things for people without expecting anything in return
like writing people a poem.
this is why i write to you these poems
to give beauty to the world.

what is a soul?
i'm trying to show you, bleeding in my hands
this is me and i am you and we are nothing without each other
but a lonely sack of skin floating in space
without love, the world fucking sucks
this is me trying to tell you i love you

even though i fucking suck at doing so
i fucking suck so much and i feel like shit always
and sometimes i say things that sound conceited and dickish
and not funny and annoying and immature and i am all those things.
but this is the best i got.
sorry for sounding so retarded.

sorry for saying 'retarded'.
i want to hear what you have to say.
please.
i don't know if i'm speaking to you or myself now.
i don't know if anyone can hear me anyway.
and that's okay.
everything's okay.

there's no beauty in this.
i want to make people cry.
that is a little and selfish thing of me.
imagine crying overwhelming with emotions.
that sounds beautiful.
to let it all go.

being alone and crying are moments you'll never forget.
i recommend it for those who never have.
if you never have, i'm sorry.
i can't imagine not wanting to cry all the time.
crying is not limited to sadness.
crying is because you feel so much that your body can't hold it.

sometimes when i'm with family, i'll feel so much happiness
and love, seeing the passing of time within my brothers,
how we all grow old together, all at once,
i'll pretend to go to the bathroom and collapse to the ground sobbing
i don't want anyone to worry about me.
i'll dry my eyes and walk out having cleansed my heart.


thanks for reading (you)

11/18/18

i'm sitting on my bed.
i'm in a red hoodie.
my head is in the hood of the hoodie.
i feel safe, my head in the hoodie.
it is still early morning.
yesterday was a full day of drinking.
nothing else but drinking.
went to the bank, then it was drink drink drink.
today i feel bad but not sick.
i feel damaged.
i felt like i should've ran or exercised but instead i showered
this morning.
now my skin is clean and smooth and soft inside this hoodie.
in one of my dreams last night
i was in a sea of pink.
pink waves took my ashore and i was late for school.
i really liked that dream.
i like the mornings too.
this is the very least i can do for myself.
have the most of a day.
i'm drinking water.
i've had water periodically throughout the night,
waking up just for water.
i will google 'ways to reverse the effects of an all-day bender'
my results will be unfruitful.
i will make chorizo tacos for breakfast if i do.
i might just cry all day instead.
haha not really.
i'm mistaking calmness for somberness.
on a scale of 1 to 10: happiness
i'm somewhere between a 6 and 7.
which is passing, according to school and Rotten Tomatoes.
i don't want coffee because i want to feel somnolent.
i will put on music on the stereo.
i don't have a stereo, i have a laptop.
i wanted to create rhythm.
literature = music
(no it doesn't and don't let them tell you otherwise
they are trying to trick you
why exactly, i don't know
that's why i'm on guard).
i'm lying to you too though.
i've done other things this morning.
i stood outside in the desert cool.
i stared out my window for at least 10 minutes.
i'm wearing cuffed sweatpants.
the red hoodie:
i can't lie about that.
if i wasn't wearing a red hoodie
after i said i was wearing my red hoodie
my red hoodie
than i wouldn't be any better than a liar, would i?
you thought i'd be more severe.
these are the games i play.
i'm trying to keep myself entertained with life.
life is excruciatingly boring.
i mean that in all reverence.
imagine life completely entertained.
heaven must be do exhausting.
boredom is piety.
i'm bored as hell right now.
i've watched the sun brighten across my screen.
that's how bored i am.
i love it.

update on seafood ramen

the addition of fish sauce livened the seafood ramen. it was delicious.

10/29/2018

it's already the 29th of october.

it's already 2:54.

i think i have gingivitis.

i ate an italian sandwich on focaccia bread and got a piece of mortadello stuck in between my teeth. i flossed it out and now my gums are bleeding badly.

a list of culprits, according to WebMD:

• gingivitis
• scurvy
• Type 1 diabetes
• Type 2 diabetes
• Vitamin K deficiency
• leukemia

things are looking grim.

currently, still unemployed. i do some Dj work as a trivia show host for a restaurant in Tempe. they pay me $50, plus up to $25 on anything on the menu. so i'm not starving.

i'm listening to the new ty segall album.

ty segall has released 4 albums this year.

i've never even written a song, let alone 4 albums just this year. if i made a song, i would want it to be something that could be played in the background and people can talk or read a book or take a nap to it. i like music like that. as furniture, as satie would say.

i have a terrible scratch on my thigh.

surprisingly have not consumed any caffeine today.

did smoke some weed, though.

a given.

i watched a total of 3 food videos today. i do not say this proudly. a sushi chef made a burger. a recipe for chocolate chip and pecan scones. a guide to hollywood's restaurant scene. these were not productive activities. i remember one time when i was 14 i made scones and they turned out way too floury and mom made fun of them and how bad they were. i haven't made scones since.

i might make some scones though.

that recipe looked good.

i made blueberry scones when i first attempted.

i ate all of them because no one else would.

i didn't think they were that bad.

scones are kinda stupid.

but i kinda like scones.

they're endearing.

like a grandma.

scones are grandmothers in pastry form.

anyway

i'm thinking ahead to other things.

like how i should research 'the business of television' and 'psychology'.

these will be things to prepare me for the future.

i'm starting a job as an associate producer for a television show.

hopefully it goes well.

i don't know what i'll be doing but it will be an experience regardless of how it goes.

other than that, i have nothing else to look forward to this week other than trivia, which will be tonight. i hope they have discounted drinks. i will spend $25 on happy hour margaritas and host a trivia show. not really. about the marg-part. i will host though. and probably buy at least a drink, since they're buying. i don't really like it but it's my only source of income at the moment so, in the words of tommy pickle, "a baby's gotta do what a baby's gotta do."

speaking of babies, i'm looking at the babygirl (anna) now.

she is editing videos for her job and being a higher functioning adult than i am right now. probably ever will be.

i drank an orangina soda today.

probably not the best for my gingivitis.

that ty segall album finished.

i liked it.

i'm going to listen to another one of his albums.

one from this year.

last night anna and i were watching moonstruck (1987). it's amazing how even from the beginning nicolas cage is out of his fucking mind with every character he plays. he is the greatest living actor working today. i mean that. i think watching that movie subconsciously made me hungry for an italian sandwich.

i sat in the shower feeling fucked and sorry for myself.

after 5 minutes, i felt differently. a lil better i think.

i tried airdrying in the arizona sun but it was too mild of a day.

i'm wearing pants right now.

i wore pants yesterday.

there's a harden skin tag on the immediate inside of my nostril. last two times i messed with it, thinking it was a tough booger or something, i ripped it out and started to bleed a lot. so i'm not going to do that this time.

i wrote a note in my phone saying 'morning shit'.

i wrote that in references to a potential beginning to a poetry project.

you see where i'm going.

i don't feel fucked really.

i'm drinking water.

this ty segall album is very enjoyable writing music. in it, he goes by the alias lag el sty. i wonder if that is referring to a sty like on your skin or a pigpen. i think what's in my nose, actually, is a sty.

thanks ty segall.

i mean, lag el sty.

i had a tag 'tom brady nudes' in one of my blog posts that has way more views than any other of my posts. i think that is what the people want. have to cater to what the people want.

or what i want?

whatever.

i'm going to drink even more water today.

i don't want to host trivia tonight.

i want to stay home, get high, watch movies with my babygirl and eat the leftover seafood ramen we made for dinner last night, which was good, but i think can be improved with the addition of some fish sauce.

i will report back on the findings

i promise.

i like the sound of a lazy, lumbering bass guitar.

like a trudging toad.

or a cool video game baddie in a cave level.

i wonder what bad guys do all day when there's no hero around.

just be bad?

like sit around with their buddies and frown and cross their arms around a fire. thinking mean thoughts. being generally upset and mischievous.

i can dig it.

i do that already and don't even get paid.

at least henchmen probably earn salary.

i talked to my mom and sent her a snapchat of the dogs' halloween customs.

this was the highlight of my day. and i'm not saying i've had a bad day either. it's not even 4 pm yet. i'm just saying, it's a highlight.

stupid idiot.

horseback (poem)

I want to ride a horse

on a beach

shirtless

in the twilight

feeling magical

but

I need to learn to ride

a horse first

someday

6 graphic novels

i've been reading a lot lately. which is good. healthy. i'm being a healthy person. at least i think. of the things i've read, according to genre, i might have read more graphic novels than actual novels. i think. (i looked through my journal, actually this is not the case: i've read more novellas). whatever. i want to share with you guys 6 graphic novels i've read in the past 3 months, all of which i reccomend to the fullest and you should take time to read. most of these i read in a single setting and can be completed in less than an hour. i love reading them right before i go to bed. it's like watching a movie without the blue-light from your laptop monitor causing early Alzheimer's. the first book i'll be starting with:

Dressing (2015), Michael DeForge [Koyama Press]

this book is a little fuzzy to me now. i remember it being quite surreal and strange. many of the characters in this book take on different forms, abstracting their bodies into inter-dimensional shapes. the book is a handful of stories, each delving into the fluidity of our environments and our being. the first story was one of this blob slowly transforming into another type of blob, and the ways in which that transformation effects those it knows around it. it reminded me of dying, or what i imagine could be dying. many of the other tales deal in themes like this and are similarly dark and cosmic. a cosmic comic. i'll leave it at that.

Beautiful Darkness (2014), Fabren Vehlmann, Kerascoët (trans. by Helge Dascher) [Drawn and Quarterly]

this one i've known for a while because the cover art always drew me to it. having read it, the cover now did not prepare me for what was inside. this is Alice in Wonderland meets The Borrowers meets Edgar Allen Poe. the beginning shows all these little people who crawl out of the decaying corpse of a little girl. it's a fairy-tale that doesn't shy away from death. not only does it not shy away from it, it passes it off absurdity, an aside to a larger narrative. this book made me physically react from the brutality of the story, and some of the images in here i will never forget. an excellent read for those how like their fairy-tales a darker shade of Gothic.

Travel (2008), Yuichi Yokoyama [PictureBox]

this book is crazy. it's told in only images. no dialogue. enter 3 men onto a train. no one knows their intentions, not even the reader. we watch as these characters make their way to the back of the train, exchanging looks with the frighteningly expressionless passengers aboard for the ride. the lack any sort of direction gives this book the intensity of a great thriller. the introduction of the book relates it to the Alfred Hitchcock movie Strangers on a Train (1951). there's something sinister that is not being told, and as a reader we wait for the tension to release somehow. the notion of the train ride means eventually that the ride will at some point end. the question of when though makes this an exciting read. please find yourself a copy of this book. it's one of the most cinematic experiences i've had outside of movies.

Everything is Flammable (2017), Gabrielle Bell [Uncivilized Books]

i loved this book. this graphic memoir (a form i really enjoy) tells the tale of the author after her mother, living across the country on the West Coast, loses her house to a fire and how this moment grows and deepens the relationship between the two. it's told in vignettes, like little mini-chapters. it's very slice of life but still Gabrielle manages to synthesize those fragmentary bits of humanity during even a menial task of picking out a new stove. it's also delves into the duty of being an author, about taking part in other's suffering for the sake of art, and whether we do this for unselfish reasons or for our own personal gain and experience. a very full, memorizing, and satisfying book. it will make you want to call up your mother and tell her you love them.





Heavy-Handed (2018), Chelsea Martin [PSA Press]


i love the work of Chelsea Martin. many of these works were originally published on TheRumpus.com in 2013, and has just now been released physically. i bought my copy from her directly during a recent crisis where she, allegedly, needed her phone bill paid and was selling copies of this book for $10 via Venmo. despite the bargain, this book reads similarly to Everything is Flammable, but in even more miniature form. i like the way she shows panels of people's shoes or hands and the small details of human interaction that go unnoticed. this book is about communication and miscommunication, and the lack of difference between the two. the printing of this book is very well done and nicely renders her hand-painted art. highly recommend this and all of Martin's work.

Mooncop (2016), Tom Gauld [Drawn and Quarterly]

a very cute and humble story about a cop on the moon. nothing happens on the moon. there's no crime. mooncop goes around looking for meaning in his (literally) empty life, occupying it in the meantime with whatever random problem needs solved on the moon, like helping an elderly resident find her dog. a sad, quiet read, but undeniable charming and uplifting by the end (if you read it as such). the emptiness of the setting gives the quality an floating through space, but the quirky style of the book makes it so that you never feel overwhelmed by the expansiveness of it all. read right before bed, like i did, to keep your mind thinking about what it means to be happy as you drift off into the stars.

[Honorable Mention: My Favorite Things is Monsters (2017), Emil Ferris [Fantagraphics] -  i had to read this for a horror movie class with the ever-incredible Professor Joan Hawkins (author of Cutting Edge: Art-Horror and the Horrific Avant-Garde (2000)). as i did in college, i procastinated, only read half the book, and aced the quiz we had over it. i tried to check-out this book again from the library, but every time it had a waiting list that had like 20 people in it's queue. unforunate because the art in this book was some of the best i've ever seen for a graphic novel and, what i read, was a fantastic, landmark book. will read someday. sorry professor.]

fear [cool places to eat] (poem)

(update: this poem has been in my drafts since 5/21/16. i am publishing it now for no other reason. just thought i'd share it)

-------

Walking past the town square.
On telephone wires hundreds of crows skittered.

In unison, I heard them say “Beware, Beware”
and, I’ll admit, I was scared,

so much so I ran straight into a
table outside. Coffee toppled onto a girl

eating scones with her boyfriend. She screamed & Her
boyfriend threw up his arms. “Aren’t you gonna kick

his ass?” she asked. “Mistakes happen,
” he said. They started to argue,

so I slipped away. As I slipped, above the cash register
of the café one of those

Japanese cat statues. The golden one. With its tiny cat paw
waving hello goodbye to each customer.

I thought, This place might be worth
checking out some time, but I don't know,

I’ve never been good at picking
cool places to eat.

-------

new story: "RAW LIVER"

the cool folks at X-R-A-Y Literature read my story, thought it was cool, and published it on their site. give it a read.
http://x-r-a-y.com/raw-liver-by-dylan-gray/fiction/

here's a brief excerpt:

"i flop on the couch. my body wants to die but won’t because it hates me. i toss on my left side. i elongate the length of my body.  my back bends slightly inwards. the notches in my spine decompress. i flip over. i repeat and hold that pose until my heart rate slows and i am perfectly calm."

why blog?

do you have a blog? the question that i would assume almost every writer has run across when proclaimed they are a writer.

the answer from most of us: kinda.

see, sure, one has a blog but what does that mean in an age where everyone, in a sense, has a blog too. maybe their blog is just a stream of tweets or facebook rants, but writing on the internet is still writing on the internet, and in doing so, blogging becomes just another helpless scream in the void that is the internet, which has turned into a realm of battlements and battleaxes as everyone wants to have their voice heard.

i got this blog a couple years back with the intention of contributing to it frequently enough where i would have a sorta individualized platform in which my thoughts could be used as an indictator to corporations/businesses to showcase my skill as a technically proficient writer, even if it's within the blogging mode. but i was discouraged as i thought of the true insignificance that writing on the internet would have. like, out of all the places on the internet, out of all the blogs/publications/magazines/websites/etc., why do i have to the gall to imagine anything i have to say is worthy of having its own platform.

what is my angle.

well, it's me! dylan gray! hi!

other than that, i don't want to pretend that i have any grandoise ideas that will change the discourse of the world: i don't even believe that i have anything to say. that was truly my biggest issue when starting this blog: what do you have to say. and the truth is: nothing really. for the most part, i liked to be left alone, do my drugs, read/write, watch movies, absorb sunlight, and not worry about what other people think. not to say i don't have my opinions. we all do. and i respect that. i respect it enough to where i don't want to seem like i'm being smarmy by being a contrarian on this-or-that topic (especially nowadays where saying ones opinion is like an us-vs-them recruitment). but even still, i love to write, and i love reading writings of other people's opinions and such. and with the recent trend, even, of autofiction, the lines between truth/reality/fiction are becoming blurred. we are reaching a point of singularity in writing where all is nothing and all is everything at the same time.

so why blog?

i'm just a recent graduate of college. i have not seen the world. i have been in the state of indiana for the past 22 years. i'm a hoosier. what do i have to say. what do i have to add. who cares about my opinion, right? in the grand scheme, really nobody cares what anyone has to say. but as humans, i believe we have the duty to let our ideas/experiences be shared in order to gather a collective sense of what it means to be human. and i believe writing strikes at that core of what it means to be human, which is our consciousness. unfortunately, we as humans have been cursed/blessed as being the dominant predator on this weird little blue planet. in a way, we have been anointed (by gods or aliens or bacteria or psilocybin or whatever you believe in) as being the ones to take care of things around here. because if not, this planet will swallow us whole (if we don't beat it to it ourselves) and will be fine longer after our species has been wiped out, and will probably be a better place for it.

blogging (and writing in general) is very punk. and i mean this sincerely. punk as an ethos was to rebel against the establishment order in order to see how exactly those frameworks of suppression/ideology/power hold us back. the recent trend in rap music is going through its own punk-rock movement itself, from top to bottom. in a system designed to inhibit the economic mobility of minorities, the internet has provided a democratic platform to which artists are freely allowed to express themselves and is able to have the sort of access that more 'acceptable' artists of the past were only privileged to have. and in turn, rap music has become the dominant sound in the mainstream.

the internet in the post-9/11 society became that sort of punk rock movement for writers. blogging then was to express freely about anything and everything that was wrong (and there were quite a lot of grievances), and the internet as a medium allowed writers/bloggers to say whatever they wanted without repercussions, kind of like a political cartoon, once its out there, there's no taking it back. the days before the advent of social media were the wild west of the internet. it was a strange, bewildering, and even dangerous place. all those who got to experience the joys of AOL messanger and - as Broad City coined it -  'early randomcore' were the fortunate souls who were able to see what the internet was truly capable of, before being completely commodified out the wazoo by corporations.

do people still go on websites on the internet anymore.

albinoblacksheep?

stupidvideos?

ebaumsworld?

newgrounds?

at least for me, all those websites were quintessential in my young life. i think you'd be hard-pressed to find a domain with just a random video on it that garnered such sensationalism as those early sites. people i think now only explore a handful of websites: youtube, twitter, reddit, facebook; and most of those are all filtered through google (even writing on blogger now, it's still owned by google). it's hard nowadays to have those sorts of impacts on the internet like those previous platforms because it's all been gobbled up by corporations.

but still, even though our words that we type out are being used in some algorithm to sell us amazon products, they can't commodify our ideas. our ideas are what make us unique individuals, and our ideas are what help us understand the world better. i think people like david icke, who believes that the world is being controlled by a race of intergalactic lizard people, with his ideas, is reaching something closer to the truth than people want to give him credit for. by thinking outside of our normal realm of ideology, we can perhaps parse together how an individual like david icke might have reached the conclusion he has and, with some critical thinking get to the 'truth' of what he might mean by this 'they live'-esque world he thinks he live in. indeed, ideas have great power, and with that true evil can rise out of prejudice/ignorant preconceptions, but in order to refute those claims, we are in need of open dialogue. by blogging, one is having their voice screaming into an abyss where possibly/probably no one would hear. but there is only that case where someone might read what you have to say, and perhaps open their mind to a new perspective they hadn't considered previously. more than likely that won't be the case, but there's always hope.

one area i think that our education system has truly failed our nation is 'writing'. as a kid in high school, you are told to write some essay and are never told why to do so; you are told, hey! write this because we told you too; or, hey! read this and take a quiz on it so you can get an A and go to college where they can tell you to read/do/write this-or-that because you'll pass this class and get a degree and go on to get a job where that will tell you to do this-or-that or the other. all this said, the acted of writing is perceived to be 'work' in the modern age. writing is just another problem you can to overcome to get where you want to get. but in truth, writing does much more than that.

writing is engaging in your thoughts are understanding how to communicate yourself most effectively.

in essence: writing = thinking

to able to write well means to be able to think well too. we need writing so we understand how we as an individual think/operate. this doesn't just do good for the general public as a forum of transmitting thoughts into script, but it is good for the individual too. the process of thinking is something that we can't stop from doing. unfortunately, in our late capitalist society, we are so bombarded by advertisements/notifications/automobiles/stereo/LED/radio frequencies/other general stimuli that are thoughts become distorted/distracted. and that's exactly what the corporations want: to brainwash our thoughts/opinions to think about buy! buy! buy! that might sound like new age paranoia, but any research into the addictive qualities of our cell phones show that these companies try to make us all media addicts, because that's more telepathy they can seduce us with. i digress: the act of writing is the act of engaging with our minds in ways that THEY don't want you to. they don't want us to have free-thought; they want complete control of free-will. blogging, and writing more generally, can be the answer to fight against these powers that b. i for one truly enjoy the art of writing because, well, it's free! it doesn't take any money to write (except perhaps a pen and paper). but even writing traditionally (which i recommend if you write poetry and/or fiction) is a rebelling against that order. writing is a mediative state, where you can understand the pitfalls and potentials of your own abilities by critically structuring your thoughts into syntax. every minute spent on bettering yourself is a minute not spent engaging in ad-revenue pop-ups.

the idea of blogging when i first started this blog was very discouraging. it seemed like the golden age of blogging had died (r.i.p. hipsterrunnoff), but i think nowadays we need blogging more than ever. we need these places where people are engaging in reading and writing. i know i personally need to write more, and i write often enough where i might seem crazy. but i guess what i want to get across here is not only to blog, but to write in a way that is not just for the sake of getting instant gratification by saying something deeming about another group of people/values. i think that writing for yourself is the first step towards writing to others, but if you can't you don't know how to write, you do not how to think.

by engaging in the act of writing, and having that writing submitted into a space where others can consume/critique/engage with it, one is participating in a greater good. and for those of us that write, you are truly being punk rock, which is cool af.

i hope to continue with this conquest and continue to blog, and you will too (because fuck the system)