it's been a week since my last post.
it's not like anything has been worth saying.
thanksgiving was thursday.
i made brussells sprouts.
who is this brussell and why does he have all these sprouts?
i have fallen in love with roasted brussells sprouts.
that's not worth noting.
unfortunately i have consumed copious amounts of beers.
too copious.
beer baby.
i'm hungry and want fast food.
beer makes you really hate yourself before, during, and after.
i'm drinking a Crème brûlée coffee.
it's not that good.
we are watching 'to catch a predator' in the living room.
i feel like a horrible person while watching it but i guess
i'm not as horrible as the pieces of shit on the show.
one guys username was meatrocket8
i woke up with a beer in hand.
slowly, i'm feeling better as the day goes on.
i want to write a book about a helicopter.
the helicopter would fly over the desert
doing what he loves
flying
i'm writing in the company of other people.
this is not something that i do normally but i think
as a person who spends more time with people
than by myself, that i need to learn to be more comfortable
writing in this mode. i hate that i'm around people always.
it's exhausting and i still feel alone.
i'm mostly being dramatic, but i do feel these ways sometimes.
i'm sure we all do.
if you don't, i wish you nothing but happiness.
i just ate a tomato we bought from the farmer's market.
all i think about is food and writing.
that's fucked up.
we've been watching 'to catch a predator' for an hour and a half.
we're watching bollywood versions of pop songs.
i feel like a better person.
pain is beauty.
ariana grande knows.
i haven't stepped outside today and i odn't know if i plan to.
i'm grossly aware of word count.
it's morose.
probably has something to do with my penis.
fucking dick.
i'm doing nothing today.
fuck it.
noise noise noise noise noise noise noise
this alan clarke movie
goddamn they're just slaughtering people
*wink*
ABCD this is what i'm reducing myself to
i'm distracted by everything.
people distract me and honestly i really love people
i have consistency in my periods
period.
DYLAN GRAY is an anagram for DARYL YANG,
among others, but i can't give away all my secrets.
yes i can, but i just feel like moving on.
i love you, please believe me i love you.
i wish i knew better ways to show people
the best i can imagine is to listen better
and do things for people without expecting anything in return
like writing people a poem.
this is why i write to you these poems
to give beauty to the world.
what is a soul?
i'm trying to show you, bleeding in my hands
this is me and i am you and we are nothing without each other
but a lonely sack of skin floating in space
without love, the world fucking sucks
this is me trying to tell you i love you
even though i fucking suck at doing so
i fucking suck so much and i feel like shit always
and sometimes i say things that sound conceited and dickish
and not funny and annoying and immature and i am all those things.
but this is the best i got.
sorry for sounding so retarded.
sorry for saying 'retarded'.
i want to hear what you have to say.
please.
i don't know if i'm speaking to you or myself now.
i don't know if anyone can hear me anyway.
and that's okay.
everything's okay.
there's no beauty in this.
i want to make people cry.
that is a little and selfish thing of me.
imagine crying overwhelming with emotions.
that sounds beautiful.
to let it all go.
being alone and crying are moments you'll never forget.
i recommend it for those who never have.
if you never have, i'm sorry.
i can't imagine not wanting to cry all the time.
crying is not limited to sadness.
crying is because you feel so much that your body can't hold it.
sometimes when i'm with family, i'll feel so much happiness
and love, seeing the passing of time within my brothers,
how we all grow old together, all at once,
i'll pretend to go to the bathroom and collapse to the ground sobbing
i don't want anyone to worry about me.
i'll dry my eyes and walk out having cleansed my heart.
thanks for reading (you)
11/18/18
i'm sitting on my bed.
i'm in a red hoodie.
my head is in the hood of the hoodie.
i feel safe, my head in the hoodie.
it is still early morning.
yesterday was a full day of drinking.
nothing else but drinking.
went to the bank, then it was drink drink drink.
today i feel bad but not sick.
i feel damaged.
i felt like i should've ran or exercised but instead i showered
this morning.
now my skin is clean and smooth and soft inside this hoodie.
in one of my dreams last night
i was in a sea of pink.
pink waves took my ashore and i was late for school.
i really liked that dream.
i like the mornings too.
this is the very least i can do for myself.
have the most of a day.
i'm drinking water.
i've had water periodically throughout the night,
waking up just for water.
i will google 'ways to reverse the effects of an all-day bender'
my results will be unfruitful.
i will make chorizo tacos for breakfast if i do.
i might just cry all day instead.
haha not really.
i'm mistaking calmness for somberness.
on a scale of 1 to 10: happiness
i'm somewhere between a 6 and 7.
which is passing, according to school and Rotten Tomatoes.
i don't want coffee because i want to feel somnolent.
i will put on music on the stereo.
i don't have a stereo, i have a laptop.
i wanted to create rhythm.
literature = music
(no it doesn't and don't let them tell you otherwise
they are trying to trick you
why exactly, i don't know
that's why i'm on guard).
i'm lying to you too though.
i've done other things this morning.
i stood outside in the desert cool.
i stared out my window for at least 10 minutes.
i'm wearing cuffed sweatpants.
the red hoodie:
i can't lie about that.
if i wasn't wearing a red hoodie
after i said i was wearing my red hoodie
my red hoodie
than i wouldn't be any better than a liar, would i?
you thought i'd be more severe.
these are the games i play.
i'm trying to keep myself entertained with life.
life is excruciatingly boring.
i mean that in all reverence.
imagine life completely entertained.
heaven must be do exhausting.
boredom is piety.
i'm bored as hell right now.
i've watched the sun brighten across my screen.
that's how bored i am.
i love it.
i'm in a red hoodie.
my head is in the hood of the hoodie.
i feel safe, my head in the hoodie.
it is still early morning.
yesterday was a full day of drinking.
nothing else but drinking.
went to the bank, then it was drink drink drink.
today i feel bad but not sick.
i feel damaged.
i felt like i should've ran or exercised but instead i showered
this morning.
now my skin is clean and smooth and soft inside this hoodie.
in one of my dreams last night
i was in a sea of pink.
pink waves took my ashore and i was late for school.
i really liked that dream.
i like the mornings too.
this is the very least i can do for myself.
have the most of a day.
i'm drinking water.
i've had water periodically throughout the night,
waking up just for water.
i will google 'ways to reverse the effects of an all-day bender'
my results will be unfruitful.
i will make chorizo tacos for breakfast if i do.
i might just cry all day instead.
haha not really.
i'm mistaking calmness for somberness.
on a scale of 1 to 10: happiness
i'm somewhere between a 6 and 7.
which is passing, according to school and Rotten Tomatoes.
i don't want coffee because i want to feel somnolent.
i will put on music on the stereo.
i don't have a stereo, i have a laptop.
i wanted to create rhythm.
literature = music
(no it doesn't and don't let them tell you otherwise
they are trying to trick you
why exactly, i don't know
that's why i'm on guard).
i'm lying to you too though.
i've done other things this morning.
i stood outside in the desert cool.
i stared out my window for at least 10 minutes.
i'm wearing cuffed sweatpants.
the red hoodie:
i can't lie about that.
if i wasn't wearing a red hoodie
after i said i was wearing my red hoodie
my red hoodie
than i wouldn't be any better than a liar, would i?
you thought i'd be more severe.
these are the games i play.
i'm trying to keep myself entertained with life.
life is excruciatingly boring.
i mean that in all reverence.
imagine life completely entertained.
heaven must be do exhausting.
boredom is piety.
i'm bored as hell right now.
i've watched the sun brighten across my screen.
that's how bored i am.
i love it.
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