smell my ass (poem)

i think, "smell my ass"
to the landlord i think is mean
i'm a pacifist and also a pussy, i care
about my plants more than people
that is insane
i feel awful if i don't leave the house
if i do leave
i buy a beer and cheeseburger
and eat it sadly because i paid money
to kill myself

i do the same things as other people
but i think i do them better
i wish i never went to college
i wish i had a list my dad could've given
me of all the books i read in college
to save me money
all anyone ever needs is a library card
when i go to the library
i like to sit by the largest window
i can  find
to feel both inside and outside
at once
which is how i always try to be
inside and outside

here i go again!
writing a whole damn poem all about myself
again

: ' )

blH BLh BLh BLAH BLAH blah blah blah blah

this is what 'm loooking at rn:::

GODDAMN

I promise it's not that goddamn oppressive

from my POV it doesnt look like

sucha fucking prison

the sky is BLUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEE

and.....BOY.....i sure am sick and tired of waiting for emails to send

U wont believe the morning i've had

ON the Lord's Day?

.....ooops

 ..........i forget .......

 : ' (((((

asdfasdf asdfasdf

as fasdads sas dad

BUT LEMME TELL U 

i'VE looked at my phhhhooo0OOONnne

I've BEEN*singing* onnnnLIIIIIINNNNNNEEEEE
i've sat on the toliet approx 3-5 times
i haven't shat once
NOT ONCE
and only dribbled some piss
now i'm sitting on the floor because i can no longer be asleep
i'm sitting on the floor because i have no where to sit
i'm sitting on the floor because i like it
i'm sitting on the floor because that's how i've always done my writing
and i wont' changed that now!

I learned that the crust of the Earth is approx. 3-5 miles thick and is only about 1% of the planet's total volume.

I learned that the best sleeping position is shoving a pillow up your ass and passing out due to exhaustion.

This is ridiculous

and you wanna no the saddest thing?

*whispers* 

THIS IS ALL TRUUUUUUUUU

I'm spending all this money ...

LOL jk i dont have any money

and if i did

yeah
drugs

LOL jk

i dont do drugs anymore

except all the bad ones

i watched bologona sandwich video

s

on Youtube for like an hour before going to bed and truly felt like i understood

what it feels like to eat a bologna sandwich

culd you imaigne what it'd be like if your coworkers found out about all your mukbang vids?

i hope hthey wouldn't take it as a come-on

....................

...........

......

....

..

.

.what fi they read your blog?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

!!!!
?

you think i'd give a shit>?

no way jose

i know youre reading this, jose

bastard''

these are hieroglyphics for a new age

what the techno-nomads will discover upon

buried under a saguro in the sonora desert

i see cats all night long

and the thumping bass of some distant song

without genre

outside in the picture describes 

two palms trees

on close and the other more distant

through the blinds this morning 

one soliditary plant resides next to the window

taking in what little sun

there is to offer today

but before we know it will be the afternoon

and people will have entered and re-entered buildings

burgers flipped

highways

driven

at home they will turn on the television

lava

fissures of earth cracking through like pimples

inside will feel so safe

the ticker underneath the news anchor

will appear alien and undecipherable

as hot air pressurizes the room

i'M READY TO RETURN TO PLANET EARTH

THIS TIME AS A GOOD BOY

THIS TIME WITH MY BACK CORRECTED

MY PILLOW ALL THE WAY IN

I'M READY TO BE ONE WITH WHATEVER

THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE

Disney camera

i bought this old disney digital camera at goodwill.
here is its product listing on amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Digital-Blue-Disney-3-0MP-Camera/dp/B00325U78K

it's a shitty camera: 3 megapixels, 4x optical zoom; not much going on in terms of specs, EXCEPT, this feature where you can overlay overlay these graphics onto your photos before you take them. so you can pose with mickey mouse or donald duck or whoever. it makes for a charming little camera actually.

the camera must have been previously owned by a child, given all the pictures of toys and cats, and i found a number of photos still in the memory card. here are some of them for your enjoyment.

Crowned women holding what appears to be flowers

A cat staring existentially

Cat staring existentially with Woody

Might be same as cat above, this time with Mickey Mouse hat

Lego friends

Anguished

A dratini

Pig-type Pokémon

A corphish

Pikachu-esque Pokémon with Stitch

I like this face

Dark yet happy face, perhaps menacing

Stitch with man

Charmeleon tacked by small Pikachu magnet (?)

Dumb face

Cat staring #1

Cat staring #2

Lego friends (closer) 

Stitch with Venom

Stitch with bird-guy 

Stitch with unknown character

Tired and/or fed-up cat

Exalted Meowth

Upside-down TV

Flathead alien with eyeballs on antennae 

Photo of camera box

Stitch with smiling skeleton pirate

Skeleton pirate solo

2 friends

(as far as I remember) every movie I watched this year

I watched a lot of movies this year. I can't recommend watching this many movies, but I am a monster. 

These are listened within the order I watched them this year.

Out of all the movies I watched, I watched the most from director Mira Nair (3 movies)

American films: 79

French films: 10

Russian films: 1 

Danish films:3

Italian films: 2

Japanese films: 3

Chinese movies: 2

Korean films: 1

Tibetan movies: 1

Polish films: 1

My favorite movie I watched: Troll 2 (1990)

(1/3/18) Kung Fu Hustle (2004), Stephen Chow

(1/4/18) Tharlo (2016), Pema Tseden

(1/4/18) Conan the Barbarian (1982), John Milius

(1/11/18) They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? (1969), Sydney Pollack

(1/11/18) The Duellists (1977), Ridley Scott

(1/16/18) The Honeymoon Killers (1970), Leonard Kastle

(1/23/18) Paterson (2017), Jim Jarmusch

(1/25/18) Mon Oncle (1958), Jacques Tati

(1/30/18) OSS 117 : Le Caire, nid d'espions (OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies (2006), Michael Hazanavicius

(1/31/18) The Swimmer (1968), Frank Perry

(1/31/18) Princess Bride (!987), Rob Reiner

(2/1/18) Enthusiasm: The Symphony of Donbass (1930), Dziga Vertov

(2/5/18) Nanook of the North (1922), Robert J. Flaherty

(2/5/18) Emma (1996), Douglas McGrath

(2/8/18) Danton (1983), Andrzej Wajda

(2/20/18) Les Parapluies de Cherbourg (1964), Jacques Demy

(2/27/18) Dancer in the Dark (2000), Lars von Trier

(3/1/18) Jules et Jim (1962), Francois Truffaut

(3/6/18) Ordinary People (1980), Robert Redford

(3/20/18) La Jetée (1962), Chris Marker

(3/25/18) Donnie Darko (2001), Richard Kelly

(3/29/18) Scarface (1932), Howard Hawks

(4/2/18) Elephant (2003), Gus Van Sant

(4/3/18) Donnie Darko Director’s Cut, (2004), Richard Kelly

(4/4/18) The Maltese Falcon (1941), John Huston

(4/7/18) Half Baked (1998), Tamra Davis

(4/10/18) The Namesake (2006), Mira Nair

(4/13/18) Isle of Dogs (2018), Wes Anderson

(4/14/18) Queen of Katwe (2016), Mira Nair

(4/16/18) La Haine [The Hate] (1995), Mathieu Kassovitz

(4/17/18) The Perez Family (1995), Mira Nair

this following movies i'm not quite sure when i watched

Maltese Falcon (1941), John Huston 

The Running Man (1987), Paul Michael Glaser

Shape of Water (2017), Guillermo del Toro

Heat (1995), Michael Mann

Zhou Yu’s Train (2002), Zhou Sun

Judex (1963), Georges Franju

Anytown, USA (2005), Kristian Fraga

I, Tonya (2017), Craig Gillespie

sometime between (11/17-4/18) Cool Runnings (1993), Jon Turteltaub

(5/13/18) Guardians of the Galaxy 2 (2017), James Gunn

(5/15/18) Jagten [The Hunt] (2013), Thomas Vinterberg

(8/14/18) The Rider (2017), Chloé Zhao

(8/17/18) My Neighbor Totoro (1988), Hayao Miyazaki

(8/18/18) Porco Rosso (1992), Hayao Miyazaki

(8/18/18) Die Hard (1988), John McTiernan

(8/21/18) Crazy, Rich Asians (2018), Jon M. Chu

(9/2/18) Thoroughbreds (2017), Cory Finley

(9/2/18) The Pass (2016), Ben A. Williams

(9/10/18) The Package (2018), Jake Szymanski

(9/17/18) Hereditary (2018), Ari Aster

(9/19/18) Private Parts (1997), Betty Thomas

(9/19/18) Kingpin (1996), Bobby Farrelly, Peter Farrelly

(9/22/18) The Addiction (1995), Abel Ferrara

(9/23/18) The Cemetery Man (1994), Michele Soavi

(9/25/18) Sling Blade (1996), Billy Bob Thorton

(9/29/18) The Endless (2017), Justin Benson, Aaron Moorhead

(9/30/18) Brick (2005), Rian Johnson

(10/3/18) Monkey Shines (1988), Michael Stuart

(10/7/18) Diabel [The Devil] (1972), Andrzej Żuławski

(10/9/18) It Comes at Night (2017), Trey Edward Shults

(10/10/18) A Quiet Place (2018), John Krasinski

(10/11/18) Adaptation. (2002), Spike Jonze

(10/12/18) Lake Mungo (2008), Joel Anderson

(10/12/18) Pet Semetary (1989), Mary Lambert

(10/13/18)Le ravissement de Frank N. Stein (1982), Georges Schwizgebel

(10/13/18) The Wailing (2016), Na Hong-jin

(10/13/18) mother ! (2018), Darren Aronofsky

(10/14/18) Office Space (1999), Mike Judge

(10/20/18) Blade (1998), Stephen Norrington

(10/23/18) Hallloween (2018), David Gordon Green

(10/24/18) Blade II (2002), Guillermo del Toro

(10/25/18) Rat Pfink a Go Go (1966), Ray Dennis Steckler

Troll 2 (1990), Claudio Fragasso

(10/26/18) Troll (1986), John Carl Buechler

(10/27/18) All That Heaven Allows (1955), Douglas Sirk

(10/31/18) Moonstruck (1987), Norman Jewison

(11/1/18) Blood Feast (1963), Herschell Gordon Lewis

(11/1/18) Equinox (1970), Dennis Muren, Jack Woods

(11/4/18) Mamma Mia 2! Here We Go Again (2018), Ol Parker

(11/6/18) Bohemian Rhapsody (2018), Bryan Singer

(11/8/18) The Final Member, (2012) Zach Math, Jonah Bekhor

(11/10/18) Goldeneye (1995), Martin Campbell

(11/12/18) The Outlaw King, (2018), David Mackenzie

(11/22/18) Funny People (2009), Judd Apatow

(11/24/18) Onibaba (1964), Kaneto Shindo

(11/26/18) Babette’s Feast (1987), Gabriel Axel

(11/28/18) The Holiday Calendar (2018), Bradley Walsh

(11/29/18) Mr. Mom (1983), Stan Dragoti

(11/30/18) Seven (1995), David Fincher

(11/30/18) Undercover Brother (2002), Malcolm D. Lee

(12/1/18) Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald (2018), David Yates

(12/2/18) The Rooftop Christmas Tree (2016), David Winning 

(12/3/18) Jeux interdits [Forbidden Games] (1952), René Clément

(12/5/18) A Christmas Prince (2017), Alex Zamm

                It Happened One Night (1934), Frank Capra

(12/7/18) Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas (1977), Jim Henson

(12/15/18) Beaches (1988), Garry Marshall

(12/21/18) Cobra (1986), George P. Cosmatos

(12/23/18) Jingle All the Way (1996), Brian Levant

(12/25/18) How The Grinch Stole Christmas (2000), Ron Howard

(12/25/18) Christmas with the Kranks (2004), Joe Roth

(12/26/18) Bumblebee (2018), Travis Knight 

(12/30/18) Cliffhanger (1993), Renny Harlin 

12/30/18 - new year's eve eve

i like the smell of my own stank

i like to pick my belly button and smell it

do you?

lately i've been so bad at completing things i can't even finish a thought

i'm living in the city now

people are awake all times of day and night

with all the movement, it's hard to stay still

i'm trying to write more but my head is filled with images

maybe i can write a story like a photo album

i'm reading Ethan Frome for the fifth-ish time in the life

there's no snow in Phoenix

maybe i can write a story like Ethan Frome but during the Phoenician summer

that'd be annoying lol


we established wifi a couple days ago

i can't say i've missed it but it makes the time go by quicker

i hate Youtube

i've disabled it from my phone for the fifth time in my life

i hope this will be a permanent change
 what have you been listening to?

i love this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Edthfw5Pbxk
 " 911/911/911/can't trust them"


as of today, i've mostly looked at my phone

WOWOWOWOWOW

i also finished the movie Cliffhanger (1993)
  pretty mediocre inna inoffensive way ifyaknowwhatimean

other than that i've been laying on the floor

because i like to

i recommend sleeping on a hardwood floor

it's really good for your back

i'm disturbed



i emailed my friend

i wished him well online






i'll be surviving on holiday ham for a while

how are you doing?




Here's an excerpt from a poem i wrote last week:

I spend too much time wondering my apartment

returning from my bed to the mirror and back to bed

I know if I go outside, I’ll get nothing done

I’m trying to stay down

My walls are white and sheets are red

Fresh air is a must

Peace and quiet is a must

The ever-acceralterating commotion of humans is a must

Lunch time means it’s quiet time

the apartments are still and nothing is happening

this is weird and interesting, but only to me

As far as I know, I’m the only person left in the world

11/24/18

it's been a week since my last post.
it's not like anything has been worth saying.
thanksgiving was thursday.
i made brussells sprouts.
who is this brussell and why does he have all these sprouts?
i have fallen in love with roasted brussells sprouts.

that's not worth noting.
unfortunately i have consumed copious amounts of beers.
too copious.
beer baby.
i'm hungry and want fast food.
beer makes you really hate yourself before, during, and after.

i'm drinking a Crème brûlée coffee.
it's not that good.
we are watching 'to catch a predator' in the living room.
i feel like a horrible person while watching it but i guess
i'm not as horrible as the pieces of shit on the show.
one guys username was meatrocket8

i woke up with a beer in hand.
slowly, i'm feeling better as the day goes on.
i want to write a book about a helicopter.
the helicopter would fly over the desert
doing what he loves
flying

i'm writing in the company of other people.
this is not something that i do normally but i think
as a person who spends more time with people
than by myself, that i need to learn to be more comfortable
writing in this mode. i hate that i'm around people always.
it's exhausting and i still feel alone.

i'm mostly being dramatic, but i do feel these ways sometimes.
i'm sure we all do.
if you don't, i wish you nothing but happiness.
i just ate a tomato we bought from the farmer's market.
all i think about is food and writing.
that's fucked up.

we've been watching 'to catch a predator' for an hour and a half.
we're watching bollywood versions of pop songs.
i feel like a better person.
pain is beauty.
ariana grande knows.
i haven't stepped outside today and i odn't know if i plan to.

i'm grossly aware of word count.
it's morose.
probably has something to do with my penis.
fucking dick.
i'm doing nothing today.
fuck it.

noise noise noise noise noise noise noise
this alan clarke movie
goddamn they're just slaughtering people
*wink*
ABCD this is what i'm reducing myself to
i'm distracted by everything.
people distract me and honestly i really love people

i have consistency in my periods
period.
DYLAN GRAY is an anagram for DARYL YANG,
among others, but i can't give away all my secrets.
yes i can, but i just feel like moving on.
i love you, please believe me i love you.

i wish i knew better ways to show people
the best i can imagine is to listen better
and do things for people without expecting anything in return
like writing people a poem.
this is why i write to you these poems
to give beauty to the world.

what is a soul?
i'm trying to show you, bleeding in my hands
this is me and i am you and we are nothing without each other
but a lonely sack of skin floating in space
without love, the world fucking sucks
this is me trying to tell you i love you

even though i fucking suck at doing so
i fucking suck so much and i feel like shit always
and sometimes i say things that sound conceited and dickish
and not funny and annoying and immature and i am all those things.
but this is the best i got.
sorry for sounding so retarded.

sorry for saying 'retarded'.
i want to hear what you have to say.
please.
i don't know if i'm speaking to you or myself now.
i don't know if anyone can hear me anyway.
and that's okay.
everything's okay.

there's no beauty in this.
i want to make people cry.
that is a little and selfish thing of me.
imagine crying overwhelming with emotions.
that sounds beautiful.
to let it all go.

being alone and crying are moments you'll never forget.
i recommend it for those who never have.
if you never have, i'm sorry.
i can't imagine not wanting to cry all the time.
crying is not limited to sadness.
crying is because you feel so much that your body can't hold it.

sometimes when i'm with family, i'll feel so much happiness
and love, seeing the passing of time within my brothers,
how we all grow old together, all at once,
i'll pretend to go to the bathroom and collapse to the ground sobbing
i don't want anyone to worry about me.
i'll dry my eyes and walk out having cleansed my heart.


thanks for reading (you)

11/18/18

i'm sitting on my bed.
i'm in a red hoodie.
my head is in the hood of the hoodie.
i feel safe, my head in the hoodie.
it is still early morning.
yesterday was a full day of drinking.
nothing else but drinking.
went to the bank, then it was drink drink drink.
today i feel bad but not sick.
i feel damaged.
i felt like i should've ran or exercised but instead i showered
this morning.
now my skin is clean and smooth and soft inside this hoodie.
in one of my dreams last night
i was in a sea of pink.
pink waves took my ashore and i was late for school.
i really liked that dream.
i like the mornings too.
this is the very least i can do for myself.
have the most of a day.
i'm drinking water.
i've had water periodically throughout the night,
waking up just for water.
i will google 'ways to reverse the effects of an all-day bender'
my results will be unfruitful.
i will make chorizo tacos for breakfast if i do.
i might just cry all day instead.
haha not really.
i'm mistaking calmness for somberness.
on a scale of 1 to 10: happiness
i'm somewhere between a 6 and 7.
which is passing, according to school and Rotten Tomatoes.
i don't want coffee because i want to feel somnolent.
i will put on music on the stereo.
i don't have a stereo, i have a laptop.
i wanted to create rhythm.
literature = music
(no it doesn't and don't let them tell you otherwise
they are trying to trick you
why exactly, i don't know
that's why i'm on guard).
i'm lying to you too though.
i've done other things this morning.
i stood outside in the desert cool.
i stared out my window for at least 10 minutes.
i'm wearing cuffed sweatpants.
the red hoodie:
i can't lie about that.
if i wasn't wearing a red hoodie
after i said i was wearing my red hoodie
my red hoodie
than i wouldn't be any better than a liar, would i?
you thought i'd be more severe.
these are the games i play.
i'm trying to keep myself entertained with life.
life is excruciatingly boring.
i mean that in all reverence.
imagine life completely entertained.
heaven must be do exhausting.
boredom is piety.
i'm bored as hell right now.
i've watched the sun brighten across my screen.
that's how bored i am.
i love it.