11/24/18

it's been a week since my last post.
it's not like anything has been worth saying.
thanksgiving was thursday.
i made brussells sprouts.
who is this brussell and why does he have all these sprouts?
i have fallen in love with roasted brussells sprouts.

that's not worth noting.
unfortunately i have consumed copious amounts of beers.
too copious.
beer baby.
i'm hungry and want fast food.
beer makes you really hate yourself before, during, and after.

i'm drinking a Crème brûlée coffee.
it's not that good.
we are watching 'to catch a predator' in the living room.
i feel like a horrible person while watching it but i guess
i'm not as horrible as the pieces of shit on the show.
one guys username was meatrocket8

i woke up with a beer in hand.
slowly, i'm feeling better as the day goes on.
i want to write a book about a helicopter.
the helicopter would fly over the desert
doing what he loves
flying

i'm writing in the company of other people.
this is not something that i do normally but i think
as a person who spends more time with people
than by myself, that i need to learn to be more comfortable
writing in this mode. i hate that i'm around people always.
it's exhausting and i still feel alone.

i'm mostly being dramatic, but i do feel these ways sometimes.
i'm sure we all do.
if you don't, i wish you nothing but happiness.
i just ate a tomato we bought from the farmer's market.
all i think about is food and writing.
that's fucked up.

we've been watching 'to catch a predator' for an hour and a half.
we're watching bollywood versions of pop songs.
i feel like a better person.
pain is beauty.
ariana grande knows.
i haven't stepped outside today and i odn't know if i plan to.

i'm grossly aware of word count.
it's morose.
probably has something to do with my penis.
fucking dick.
i'm doing nothing today.
fuck it.

noise noise noise noise noise noise noise
this alan clarke movie
goddamn they're just slaughtering people
*wink*
ABCD this is what i'm reducing myself to
i'm distracted by everything.
people distract me and honestly i really love people

i have consistency in my periods
period.
DYLAN GRAY is an anagram for DARYL YANG,
among others, but i can't give away all my secrets.
yes i can, but i just feel like moving on.
i love you, please believe me i love you.

i wish i knew better ways to show people
the best i can imagine is to listen better
and do things for people without expecting anything in return
like writing people a poem.
this is why i write to you these poems
to give beauty to the world.

what is a soul?
i'm trying to show you, bleeding in my hands
this is me and i am you and we are nothing without each other
but a lonely sack of skin floating in space
without love, the world fucking sucks
this is me trying to tell you i love you

even though i fucking suck at doing so
i fucking suck so much and i feel like shit always
and sometimes i say things that sound conceited and dickish
and not funny and annoying and immature and i am all those things.
but this is the best i got.
sorry for sounding so retarded.

sorry for saying 'retarded'.
i want to hear what you have to say.
please.
i don't know if i'm speaking to you or myself now.
i don't know if anyone can hear me anyway.
and that's okay.
everything's okay.

there's no beauty in this.
i want to make people cry.
that is a little and selfish thing of me.
imagine crying overwhelming with emotions.
that sounds beautiful.
to let it all go.

being alone and crying are moments you'll never forget.
i recommend it for those who never have.
if you never have, i'm sorry.
i can't imagine not wanting to cry all the time.
crying is not limited to sadness.
crying is because you feel so much that your body can't hold it.

sometimes when i'm with family, i'll feel so much happiness
and love, seeing the passing of time within my brothers,
how we all grow old together, all at once,
i'll pretend to go to the bathroom and collapse to the ground sobbing
i don't want anyone to worry about me.
i'll dry my eyes and walk out having cleansed my heart.


thanks for reading (you)

11/18/18

i'm sitting on my bed.
i'm in a red hoodie.
my head is in the hood of the hoodie.
i feel safe, my head in the hoodie.
it is still early morning.
yesterday was a full day of drinking.
nothing else but drinking.
went to the bank, then it was drink drink drink.
today i feel bad but not sick.
i feel damaged.
i felt like i should've ran or exercised but instead i showered
this morning.
now my skin is clean and smooth and soft inside this hoodie.
in one of my dreams last night
i was in a sea of pink.
pink waves took my ashore and i was late for school.
i really liked that dream.
i like the mornings too.
this is the very least i can do for myself.
have the most of a day.
i'm drinking water.
i've had water periodically throughout the night,
waking up just for water.
i will google 'ways to reverse the effects of an all-day bender'
my results will be unfruitful.
i will make chorizo tacos for breakfast if i do.
i might just cry all day instead.
haha not really.
i'm mistaking calmness for somberness.
on a scale of 1 to 10: happiness
i'm somewhere between a 6 and 7.
which is passing, according to school and Rotten Tomatoes.
i don't want coffee because i want to feel somnolent.
i will put on music on the stereo.
i don't have a stereo, i have a laptop.
i wanted to create rhythm.
literature = music
(no it doesn't and don't let them tell you otherwise
they are trying to trick you
why exactly, i don't know
that's why i'm on guard).
i'm lying to you too though.
i've done other things this morning.
i stood outside in the desert cool.
i stared out my window for at least 10 minutes.
i'm wearing cuffed sweatpants.
the red hoodie:
i can't lie about that.
if i wasn't wearing a red hoodie
after i said i was wearing my red hoodie
my red hoodie
than i wouldn't be any better than a liar, would i?
you thought i'd be more severe.
these are the games i play.
i'm trying to keep myself entertained with life.
life is excruciatingly boring.
i mean that in all reverence.
imagine life completely entertained.
heaven must be do exhausting.
boredom is piety.
i'm bored as hell right now.
i've watched the sun brighten across my screen.
that's how bored i am.
i love it.


update on seafood ramen

the addition of fish sauce livened the seafood ramen. it was delicious.

10/29/2018


it's already the 29th of october.

it's already 2:54.

i think i have gingivitis.

i ate an italian sandwich on focaccia bread and got a piece of mortadello stuck in between my teeth. i flossed it out and now my gums are bleeding badly.

a list of culprits, according to WebMD:

  • gingivitis
  • scurvy
  • Type 1 diabetes
  • Type 2 diabetes
  • Vitamin K deficiency
  • leukemia

things are looking grim.

currently, still unemployed. i do some Dj work as a trivia show host for a restaurant in Tempe. they pay me $50, plus up to $25 on anything on the menu. so i'm not starving.

i'm listening to the new ty segall album.

ty segall has released 4 albums this year.

i've never even written a song, let alone 4 albums just this year. if i made a song, i would want it to be something that could be played in the background and people can talk or read a book or take a nap to it. i like music like that. as furniture, as satie would say.

i have a terrible scratch on my thigh.

surprisingly have not consumed any caffeine today.

did smoke some weed, though.

a given.

i watched a total of 3 food videos today. i do not say this proudly. a sushi chef made a burger. a recipe for chocolate chip and pecan scones. a guide to hollywood's restaurant scene. these were not productive activities. i remember one time when i was 14 i made scones and they turned out way too floury and mom made fun of them and how bad they were. i haven't made scones since.

i might make some scones though.

that recipe looked good.

i made blueberry scones when i first attempted.

i ate all of them because no one else would.

i didn't think they were that bad.

scones are kinda stupid.

but i kinda like scones.

they're endearing.

like a grandma.

scones are grandmothers in pastry form.

anyway

i'm thinking ahead to other things.

like how i should research 'the business of television' and 'psychology'.

these will be things to prepare me for the future.

i'm starting a job as an associate producer for a television show.

hopefully it goes well.

i don't know what i'll be doing but it will be an experience regardless of how it goes.

other than that, i have nothing else to look forward to this week other than trivia, which will be tonight. i hope they have discounted drinks. i will spend $25 on happy hour margaritas and host a trivia show. not really. about the marg-part. i will host though. and probably buy at least a drink, since they're buying. i don't really like it but it's my only source of income at the moment so, in the words of tommy pickle, "a baby's gotta do what a baby's gotta do."

speaking of babies, i'm looking at the babygirl (anna) now.

she is editing videos for her job and being a higher functioning adult than i am right now. probably ever will be.

i drank an orangina soda today.

probably not the best for my gingivitis.

that ty segall album finished.

i liked it.

i'm going to listen to another one of his albums.

one from this year.

last night anna and i were watching moonstruck (1987). it's amazing how even from the beginning nicolas cage is out of his fucking mind with every character he plays. he is the greatest living actor working today. i mean that. i think watching that movie subconsciously made me hungry for an italian sandwich.

i sat in the shower feeling fucked and sorry for myself.

after 5 minutes, i felt differently. a lil better i think.

i tried airdrying in the arizona sun but it was too mild of a day.

i'm wearing pants right now.

i wore pants yesterday.

there's a harden skin tag on the immediate inside of my nostril. last two times i messed with it, thinking it was a tough booger or something, i ripped it out and started to bleed a lot. so i'm not going to do that this time.

i wrote a note in my phone saying 'morning shit'.

i wrote that in references to a potential beginning to a poetry project.

you see where i'm going.

i don't feel fucked really.

i'm drinking water.

this ty segall album is very enjoyable writing music. in it, he goes by the alias lag el sty. i wonder if that is referring to a sty like on your skin or a pigpen. i think what's in my nose, actually, is a sty.

thanks ty segall.

i mean, lag el sty.

i had a tag 'tom brady nudes' in one of my blog posts that has way more views than any other of my posts. i think that is what the people want. have to cater to what the people want.

or what i want?

whatever.

i'm going to drink even more water today.

i don't want to host trivia tonight.

i want to stay home, get high, watch movies with my babygirl and eat the leftover seafood ramen we made for dinner last night, which was good, but i think can be improved with the addition of some fish sauce.

i will report back on the findings

i promise.

i like the sound of a lazy, lumbering bass guitar.

like a trudging toad.

or a cool video game baddie in a cave level.

i wonder what bad guys do all day when there's no hero around.

just be bad?

like sit around with their buddies and frown and cross their arms around a fire. thinking mean thoughts. being generally upset and mischievous.

i can dig it.

i do that already and don't even get paid.

at least henchmen probably earn salary.

i talked to my mom and sent her a snapchat of the dogs' halloween customs.

this was the highlight of my day. and i'm not saying i've had a bad day either. it's not even 4 pm yet. i'm just saying, it's a highlight.

stupid idiot.

horseback (poem)



I want to ride a horse
on a beach
shirtless
in the twilight
feeling magical

but
I need to learn to ride
a horse first




someday

6 graphic novels

i've been reading a lot lately. which is good. healthy. i'm being a healthy person. at least i think. of the things i've read, according to genre, i might have read more graphic novels than actual novels. i think. (i looked through my journal, actually this is not the case: i've read more novellas). whatever. i want to share with you guys 6 graphic novels i've read in the past 3 months, all of which i reccomend to the fullest and you should take time to read. most of these i read in a single setting and can be completed in less than an hour. i love reading them right before i go to bed. it's like watching a movie without the blue-light from your laptop monitor causing early Alzheimer's. the first book i'll be starting with:



Dressing (2015), Michael DeForge [Koyama Press]

this book is a little fuzzy to me now. i remember it being quite surreal and strange. many of the characters in this book take on different forms, abstracting their bodies into inter-dimensional shapes. the book is a handful of stories, each delving into the fluidity of our environments and our being. the first story was one of this blob slowly transforming into another type of blob, and the ways in which that transformation effects those it knows around it. it reminded me of dying, or what i imagine could be dying. many of the other tales deal in themes like this and are similarly dark and cosmic. a cosmic comic. i'll leave it at that.







Beautiful Darkness (2014), Fabren Vehlmann, Kerascoët (trans. by Helge Dascher) [Drawn and Quarterly]

this one i've known for a while because the cover art always drew me to it. having read it, the cover now did not prepare me for what was inside. this is Alice in Wonderland meets The Borrowers meets Edgar Allen Poe. the beginning shows all these little people who crawl out of the decaying corpse of a little girl. it's a fairy-tale that doesn't shy away from death. not only does it not shy away from it, it passes it off absurdity, an aside to a larger narrative. this book made me physically react from the brutality of the story, and some of the images in here i will never forget. an excellent read for those how like their fairy-tales a darker shade of Gothic.





Travel (2008), Yuichi Yokoyama [PictureBox]

this book is crazy. it's told in only images. no dialogue. enter 3 men onto a train. no one knows their intentions, not even the reader. we watch as these characters make their way to the back of the train, exchanging looks with the frighteningly expressionless passengers aboard for the ride. the lack any sort of direction gives this book the intensity of a great thriller. the introduction of the book relates it to the Alfred Hitchcock movie Strangers on a Train (1951). there's something sinister that is not being told, and as a reader we wait for the tension to release somehow. the notion of the train ride means eventually that the ride will at some point end. the question of when though makes this an exciting read. please find yourself a copy of this book. it's one of the most cinematic experiences i've had outside of movies.



Everything is Flammable (2017), Gabrielle Bell [Uncivilized Books]

i loved this book. this graphic memoir (a form i really enjoy) tells the tale of the author after her mother, living across the country on the West Coast, loses her house to a fire and how this moment grows and deepens the relationship between the two. it's told in vignettes, like little mini-chapters. it's very slice of life but still Gabrielle manages to synthesize those fragmentary bits of humanity during even a menial task of picking out a new stove. it's also delves into the duty of being an author, about taking part in other's suffering for the sake of art, and whether we do this for unselfish reasons or for our own personal gain and experience. a very full, memorizing, and satisfying book. it will make you want to call up your mother and tell her you love them.





Heavy-Handed (2018), Chelsea Martin [PSA Press]


i love the work of Chelsea Martin. many of these works were originally published on TheRumpus.com in 2013, and has just now been released physically. i bought my copy from her directly during a recent crisis where she, allegedly, needed her phone bill paid and was selling copies of this book for $10 via Venmo. despite the bargain, this book reads similarly to Everything is Flammable, but in even more miniature form. i like the way she shows panels of people's shoes or hands and the small details of human interaction that go unnoticed. this book is about communication and miscommunication, and the lack of difference between the two. the printing of this book is very well done and nicely renders her hand-painted art. highly recommend this and all of Martin's work.




Mooncop (2016), Tom Gauld [Drawn and Quarterly]


a very cute and humble story about a cop on the moon. nothing happens on the moon. there's no crime. mooncop goes around looking for meaning in his (literally) empty life, occupying it in the meantime with whatever random problem needs solved on the moon, like helping an elderly resident find her dog. a sad, quiet read, but undeniable charming and uplifting by the end (if you read it as such). the emptiness of the setting gives the quality an floating through space, but the quirky style of the book makes it so that you never feel overwhelmed by the expansiveness of it all. read right before bed, like i did, to keep your mind thinking about what it means to be happy as you drift off into the stars.








[Honorable Mention: My Favorite Things is Monsters (2017), Emil Ferris [Fantagraphics] -  i had to read this for a horror movie class with the ever-incredible Professor Joan Hawkins (author of Cutting Edge: Art-Horror and the Horrific Avant-Garde (2000)). as i did in college, i procastinated, only read half the book, and aced the quiz we had over it. i tried to check-out this book again from the library, but every time it had a waiting list that had like 20 people in it's queue. unforunate because the art in this book was some of the best i've ever seen for a graphic novel and, what i read, was a fantastic, landmark book. will read someday. sorry professor.]

fear [cool places to eat] (poem)



(update: this poem has been in my drafts since 5/21/16. i am publishing it now for no other reason. just thought i'd share it)



-------



Walking past the town square.
On telephone wires hundreds of crows skittered.

In unison, I heard them say “Beware, Beware”
and, I’ll admit, I was scared,

so much so I ran straight into a
table outside. Coffee toppled onto a girl

eating scones with her boyfriend. She screamed & Her
boyfriend threw up his arms. “Aren’t you gonna kick

his ass?” she asked. “Mistakes happen,
” he said. They started to argue,

so I slipped away. As I slipped, above the cash register
of the café one of those

Japanese cat statues. The golden one. With its tiny cat paw
waving hello goodbye to each customer.

I thought, This place might be worth
checking out some time, but I don't know,

I’ve never been good at picking
cool places to eat.




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